


Poisson d'Avril

by shinykari (meinterrupted)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: #coulsonlives, Bodyswap, Gen, Gratuitous Doctor Who references, Gratuitous Star Wars References, Holidays, Humor, Loki is a Trickster god, and this should have come as no surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 05:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meinterrupted/pseuds/shinykari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In retrospect, it should have been obvious that Loki would do something ridiculous on April Fool's Day.  It's just that they weren't quite expecting <em>this</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poisson d'Avril

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by [this gifset](http://shinykari.tumblr.com/post/35275114115/poisson-davril-mcu-avengers-team-gen-with) on Tumblr. When no one else would write the story for me, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Many thanks to [**Sarah**](http://acadecian.livejournal.com) for beta'ing. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> _Poisson d'Avril_ literally translates to "April Fish" and refers to the tradition of sticking paper fish onto the backs of unsuspecting friends on April 1 (April Fool's Day) and then yelling " _poisson d'avril!_ " (in France) or " _pesce d'aprile!_ " (in Italy).

In retrospect, the Avengers should have expected something like this after Loki let a flock of giant, mutated turkeys loose at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and followed that up with living snowmen in Central Park that attacked passers-by with snowball-cannons around Christmas. He even charmed the city's supply of red roses to shoot thorns at their recipients on Valentine's Day (and personally sent 200 to Stark Tower). It was clear he'd become fond of "Midgardian feast days," as Thor called them, and was celebrating each in his own particular way. April Fool's Day seemed right up his alley.

But when pennies and dollar bills didn't start talking back on President's Day and St. Patrick's Day passed without a horde of leprechauns attacking people with potatoes, the Avengers got a little complacent.

And hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

\--

The shrill ringing of the phone dragged Tony back to consciousness. He frowned in the darkness, since his phone was set with personalized ringtones for everyone who had his number, and the old-fashioned bell-tone wasn't one of them. Shrugging away the strange thought--probably a result of too many hours in the lab and one too many scotches last night--he reached for the phone. He didn't bother to look at the screen, simply mumbled, "Stark" into the receiver.

The person on the other end didn't answer right away. "Captain Rogers?" Coulson asked, voice almost tentative.

"No, why would you think..." Tony trailed off as the sound of his own voice penetrated his sleep-fog--or, to be more precise, the sound of _Steve's_ voice did. He dropped the phone in his rush to examine himself, patting down his arc-reactor free chest through a worn SHIELD tee, biceps that wouldn't be out of place on a comic-book character, and strong, muscled thighs. "Holy shit," he yelped, jumping out of bed and rushing to the bathroom.

Over the years, Tony had become very talented at finding his way around strange bedrooms in the dark, so he only stumbled once in his mad dash to Steve's _en suite_. Once there, he took a deep breath and flipped on the light.

"Holy shit," he breathed again, staring at the reflection of Steve Rogers staring back at him. He glanced behind him, then raised his hand and waved at the mirror. Steve's reflection did the same. Tony pulled a face; so did Steve. A bubble of hysterical laughter started to bubble up in his chest as he continued to contort Captain America's face into ever more ridiculous expressions for his own amusement; he only stopped when he heard the door slam open and his own voice echo through the apartment. "Is that you, Steve?" he asked, poking his head around the door frame.

It was Steve, or at least, Steve in Tony's body, if the constipated expression that Tony knew he'd never worn was to be believed. "Should it be someone else?" he asked.

Tony shrugged, then looked down at his new body, impressed with the strength in his muscles. "Well, I don't know. I'm you, so it stands to reason that you are me, but if there are other people affected, who knows?" He frowned, then walked over the bed and retrieved Steve's phone from where he dropped it. "Coulson, are you still there?"

"Mr. Stark, I presume?" Coulson asked.

"Yep. And I have Cap here with me, and damn does he look good," Tony added, since needling Coulson was pretty much his favorite thing ever.

Coulson sighed, and Tony could just see him rubbing his forehead in annoyance. "Good. You two get down to the briefing room on the communal level ASAP. We have a situation."

Tony frowned at the slightly worried tone of Coulson's voice. "It's not just us, is it?"

Coulson didn't answer, just said, "Briefing room, now, Stark," and hung up.

Tony turned to Steve, who was wearing just the black silk boxers Tony had gone to bed in last night. Which reminded him... "Did you make out with my girlfriend this morning?"

Tony had been reasonably certain that his own capacity to blush had been trained out of him years ago, so it was surreal to see his own face turn red at the question. "I stopped her as soon as I realized what was happening," he muttered, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck in a very Steve-like fashion.

"Huh," was all Tony could say. "Well, we'll make sure that next time, I'm fully involved, not just my body," he said as he ducked back into the bathroom to avoid the pillow Steve aimed at his head.

\--

Twenty minutes later, the Avengers, plus Coulson and Fury, were gathered in the briefing room of Stark Tower. As Tony had suspected, he and Steve weren't the only ones who woke up in the wrong bodies, though it seemed they got the better end of the deal. 

Clint had switched with Bruce, and apparently the idea of waking up naked next to Coulson was enough to cause Bruce to Hulk out--such as it was. Since the modified super-soldier-serum didn't get transferred into Clint's body along with Bruce's consciousness, he didn't turn into a giant green rage monster, just a human-sized, peach-toned rage monster. Luckily for everyone involved, Coulson's hand-to-hand experience was enough to subdue the mini-Hulk long enough for Bruce to reassert control, even with his limited range of motion from his lingering injury. Bruce looked even more embarrassed by his situation than Steve had about kissing Pepper, and Clint kept messing with Bruce's glasses, grumbling about poor vision and how he was supposed to shoot when he couldn't even see, but he didn't seem any angrier than normal.

Natasha and Thor had also switched bodies, and Thor seemed fascinated by his newly-acquired breasts. From the cutting looks he was receiving from Natasha, she was less than thrilled by the development.

Fury sighed and rubbed his temples. "Since we're now all here, can someone tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Well, Boss, it seems we've all switched bodies with someone else," Clint piped up with a smirk that looked extremely out of place on Bruce's face, earning him a nasty one-eyed glare from Fury.

"Thank you, Agent Barton, I was unaware of that development," Fury replied, sarcasm dripping from his tone. "Does anyone have anything useful to add to the conversation?"

"Director, I believe this is my brother's work," Thor said, his formal language sounding very strange coming from Natasha's mouth. "While I am not as trained as Loki in _seiðr_ , I can recognize his brand of mischief."

"Mischief, Thor, you call this 'mischief'?" Fury asked, his voice rising steadily as he continued. "Your brother, who we gave over to you and yours for imprisonment--over the objections of several world governments, including the United States'--from which he handily escaped not two months into his punishment, has switched my three best agents with an unstable scientist--no offense, Dr. Banner--"

"None taken," Bruce replied, wry.

"--an alien of a different gender, and the most exasperating, self-centered human being I've ever had the misfortune of meeting--"

"Aw," Tony said, "I didn't know you felt so strongly for me, Nick."

"--and you classify it as 'mischief'?" Fury continued, ignoring Tony completely. "Perhaps something was lost in translation, because I call this a goddamn _problem_ , Thor!"

Thor shrugged, then glanced down at his chest in surprise, as his breasts--technically, Natasha's breasts--jiggled a little with the motion. "Mischief, Director, for he has not physically harmed us," he said, slightly distracted, "nor does he have the amount of magic required to make this change permanent. Or rather," Thor amended, his expression sheepish as he caught Natasha's narrowed eyes, "he would not care to expend the energy required, as it would significantly weaken him. And for all my brother's faults, he would never be so careless."

Coulson rubbed the spot between his eyebrows, and sighed heavily. "So, you're saying that this is temporary."

"I believe so, yes," Thor replied.

"Good," Fury said. "Now I have things to attend to that don't have anything to do with petulant godlings and their propensity for quote-unquote mischief. Coulson, I'm leaving them in your hands."

"God help us all," Tony muttered.

"Stark," Coulson warned, and Tony held his hands up in surrender.

They all sat in relative silence as Fury swept out of the room, his black coat billowing behind him. "So, what now?" Bruce asked, after another moment of exchanging silent, somewhat embarrassed looks.

"Now, we keep all of you out of the public eye until this situation is resolved," Coulson said with a sigh. "Thor, you say you're not skilled in Loki's brand of magic, but do you think you could work with Dr. Banner to find a cure?"

Thor frowned. "My strengths do not lay in that direction, Agent Coulson."

Just then, Coulson's phone rang, and he stepped away to answer it, leaving the six Avengers alone. Tony leaned back in his chair and smirked. "I'm taking back everything I ever said about Loki's spells. They're _awesome._ "

Steve rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. He'd taken the time before this meeting to retreat to Tony's penthouse and put on Tony's most boring suit, the only one that managed to make him look like a dowdy executive rather than Tony Stark. It was really quite hurtful. "I'm hoping it'll expire soon. Meanwhile, Tony, please behave; you're Captain America now."

"God help us," Clint muttered.

Tony arched an eyebrow at Clint. "Nobody's asking for your opinion, Legolas. And better not get too excited," he added, pointing between Clint and Bruce.

Clint grinned. "You just can't _not_ be excited when you're inside Freckles."

Bruce reached up to rub the bridge of his nose, a habit he'd probably acquired from years of wearing glasses. "...I won't comment."

'Freckles?' Tony mouthed to Steve, who shrugged.

"Thor, I swear to God, I'll hurt you if you grab my boobs one more time," Natasha snarled, commandeering everyone's attention.

Thor immediately dropped his hands from where they'd come perilously close to cupping Natasha's breasts. "I did not touch them!" he said, holding his palms up in surrender. "Though they are truly magnificent," he added, drawing a very scary growl from Natasha. "I apologize, Lady Natasha, but I am not yet used to wearing the form of a woman. It has been many centuries since Loki and I disguised ourselves as such, and thus, it is as if it were new again."

Steve turned to him, frowning in confusion. It was not a good look on Tony's face, Tony decided. "Wait, you said you've done this before? How long did it last then?"

Thor cocked his head to the side. "As I said, Captain, it has been long centuries since we played this game, and even then, it was not the same. My brother did not switch our essences into a different body, but molded our male bodies into female shape. He assured me it did not take much energy, though the strain was obvious to one who knew him well. It lasted..." He trailed off, running his fingers to Natasha's spill of red curls. "I believe it lasted one full day, from dawn dawn."

"So, twenty-four hours," Bruce translated, as Coulson hung up and returned to the table. "We just have to get through today and tonight, and then we'll be back to normal."

"As normal as this crowd ever gets, anyway," Tony said.

"After conferring with Assistant Director Hill, Fury has decided that you are all confined to the Tower until further notice," Coulson said. "We don't have the staff and the resources to fend off the PR nightmare that would result if this became well known," he continued, ignoring Clint and Tony's annoyed groans. "He also requests that you stay out of the public areas, even though all but the essential staff have been given the day off to facilitate keeping this secret."

"What did you tell them?" Bruce asked, brow furrowed.

"Lab accident; what else?" Coulson said. "Between you, Stark, and Dr. Foster, it's not outside the realm of possibility. No offense, of course," he added with a nod toward Bruce.

"I take offense," Tony said, raising his hand. "I take great offense to that, Agent. My math is always correct, and I have never blown up a SHIELD lab. Well, there was that one incident--"

"--are you talking about when you reversed the polarity on the--" Bruce cut in.

"--yes, but that wasn't really an explosion--"

"--and then there was when you were trying to refine Barton's incendiary--"

"--that was a chemical _fire_ , not--"

"--and don't forget the time we were working with Jane on the time--"

"--we agreed never to talk about that, Bruce!" Tony said, waving his hands to stop their half-spoken conversation. "Okay, so the three of us destroying a lab has happened in the past and probably will happen in the future. I concede your point, Dr. Banner. Now," he said, waggling his eyebrows, "let's go take these new bodies for a test drive."

\--

Unfortunately, no one else would go for Tony's original idea of calling up their respective significant others and having a wild sex party--probably because Bruce and Steve didn't have one, the spoilsports. (He even offered to personally call Darcy Lewis, who both of them seemed to be crushing on, to no avail.) Instead, the six of them, plus Coulson, ended up in the gym, doing their best to understand their temporary homes.

"Seriously, Bruce, how can you do anything? I can't see shit," Clint grumbled, squinting behind Bruce's glasses at the target on the other end of the room. He loosed the arrow, which hit the wall to the left of the target. "Son of a bitch! I want my eyes back," he whined. "Phil, make him give me my eyes back!"

Coulson sighed heavily, rubbing his temples. "Clint, I cannot make Bruce give you back your eyes, no matter how much you complain. But if you continue to whine, you will give me a migraine, and will be sleeping on the couch for a week."

"I have contact lenses," Bruce offered, from his position on top of the climbing wall. He'd had no trouble with the colorful plastic hand- and foot-holds, though he hadn't come close to matching Clint's record time, and seemed to enjoy the view the high perch afforded him. "They might be easier to use."

Clint wrinkled his nose. "No. I hate contacts. I've worn colored ones for ops, and it never ends well."

"He's very sensitive about his eyes," Natasha said, breathing heavily from her third failed attempt to lift Mjolnir. Apparently the hammer's definition of 'worthy' was connected to Thor's mind, not his body. "You should have seen him the time I had to put eyeliner on him. You'd think I was coming at him with a hot poker."

"These babies are my meal ticket!" Clint shot back as he stalked down to retrieve his arrows from the wall. "Hawk _eye_ , remember?"

Thor, who was practicing a series of fluid motions with his hammer that looked even more dangerous for being performed by a petite woman, said, "When we are restored to our proper bodies, your eyes will be returned to you, Clint. Until such time, voicing your grievances will do you no good."

"I think Hamlet over there just told you whining isn't going to change anything, Katniss," Tony said, smirking, as he grabbed the swinging punching bag to keep it from hitting him in the face as it rebounded from a serum-enhanced punch.

Steve turned away from their good-natured argument, but not before Tony caught the amused twitch of his lips. "Tony, could you come over here? I'm having some trouble with the suit," he said. 

Tony shrugged, and walked over to where Steve was struggling to stay stable in the air. "JARVIS, give me the last twenty minutes of flight data."

"Certainly, sir," the AI replied, and proceeded to spit out a series of numbers that made Steve frown in confusion, and Tony nod along.

"Okay, here's where you're going wrong," Tony said, and had JARVIS make a couple simple adjustments to the suit's operating system. "Let the suit do the work for you. It's stronger if you work with it, not against it. It's pretty sensitive. Plus," he added, "if you would put on the helmet so you could see the heads-up display, which would help."

"I know," Steve said with a shrug, "but it feels strange to rely on the cameras when we're just in the gym." With Tony's adjustments and a few more minutes of practice, Steve was piloting the suit surprisingly well, even without the HUD. Tony didn't know how this body-swapping thing worked, but he assumed that it was simpler for Steve to relearn how Tony's body worked with the suit than it would be to completely start over.

A loud roar caused Steve to drop to the floor with a thud and a muttered oath. Tony looked across to the other side of the large gym, where Thor was facing off against the Hulk. Or rather, Natasha was fighting Clint.

Neither of those things, in themselves, was exactly an uncommon sight in the gym. Natasha and Clint sparred at least five times a week, and they had a standing wager on the winner. (The current total was 155-152, Natasha. Once one of them hit 175, the other owed dinner and an expensive bottle of vodka.) And Tony and Bruce had worked with a discrete contracting firm to reinforce the floor, ceiling, and walls of the gym to be, if not Hulk-proof, at least Hulk-resistant, so that he and Thor could work out their mutual aggression issues as safely as possible. 

But the longer Tony and Steve watched, the more clear it became that it wasn't Thor and the Hulk, but Clint and Natasha. Natasha used her larger, more muscular body in the same way she used her natural one, preferring a mixture of surprise and elegant moves that were no less dangerous for being almost dance-like. Clint, on the other hand, hadn't yet seem to grasp the differences in his own body and the Hulk's, and was getting pummeled, his natural speed greatly diminished. About ten minutes into the fight, Clint finally landed a punch that sent Natasha flying into the wall, and he roared again.

"Enough!" Coulson yelled, even as Natasha was extracting herself from the rubble of the interior wall with a blood-thirsty grin that looked perfectly at home on Thor's face. "Clint, are you in there?"

Clint-Hulk (Hulk-Clint? Clulk? Hint?) arched an eyebrow at Coulson, and said, "Yes, boss," in a deep, gravelly voice. "I'm 100% normal."

Natasha snorted a laugh as she brushed concrete dust off her clothes. "Says the giant green rage monster." 

He shot a glare at her that would have caused a lesser man to piss himself. Natasha just rolled her eyes. "For the record, Nat, this counts as a win for me."

"Hardly," she shot back. "We'll call this a draw, on account of outside interference," she said, nodding her head toward Coulson.

"It seems the ability to physically transform into the Other Guy is strictly physical," Bruce said, coming up behind Tony and Steve, his voice flat. "Yet, even in Clint's body, I retain his mind."

Tony clapped a hand on Bruce's shoulder, then withdrew it with a muttered apology when Bruce staggered and winced. "Well, at least you know more about the nature of the beast, so to speak," he offered.

"Right. I suppose more data is always good." He didn't sound convinced.

"Clint, can you transform back, please?" Coulson asked, his voice pleasant in ways that made Tony wince in sympathy. Coulson was always the most dangerous when he sounded the most pleasant.

Clint seemed to understand the gravity of his situation, and immediately shrunk down to his normal size. His clothes and shoes had shredded during the transformation, so he wore only the purple stretchy shorts that Bruce and Tony had developed to keep the Other Guy from flashing New York every time Bruce got angry. Bruce's glasses had also fallen victim to the Hulk, so Clint was left half-blind and blinking owlishly at Coulson's disapproving face.

"Explain," he said, voice smooth and calm.

Clint swallowed. "Well, sir, since we established this morning that Bruce couldn't physically Hulk out, I thought it would be a good idea to see if I could."

Coulson arched a disbelieving eyebrow. "And you chose to do this without informing the rest of us, potentially putting all of your teammates in jeopardy, in addition to everyone else in this building and the neighboring ones?"

Clint gritted his teeth and flushed. Alarmingly, the skin on his still-bare chest started to take on a green tinge. "Dr. Banner always talks about The Other Guy like he's a separate personality in his head, sir," he said, his words slow and measured, as if that would disguise his embarrassment and anger. "I knew that I didn't get that, since I'm all alone up here. I assumed--rightly, I might add--that without that complication, that I'd be able to change form without the overwhelming urge to smash."

Bruce stepped in between Clint and Coulson, placing one hand gently on Clint's face, and the other over his heart. "Breathe with me, Clint," he murmured. "In, hold for a five-count, then out. In, hold, out," he repeated, matching word to action for the next several minutes.

As the rest of them watched, the green slowly receded, leaving Clint pale and shaking. "Thank you," he said, as he lowered himself slowly to the floor, obviously wiped out. Coulson dropped to his knees next to Clint as Bruce backed away, wrapping his arms around him to hold him close. Natasha did the same on his other side, cradling Clint in a hug sandwich. "Sorry, sir. Kind of got away from me there," he murmured.

Coulson let out a shuddering breath and pressed his lips to Clint's head. "I'll forgive you, this time. But don't do it again. My heart isn't as strong as it used to be."

"Duly noted, sir."

\--

After the near-disaster in the gym, everyone agreed to take it easy for the rest of the day. Tony was on the phone with Pepper, while the rest of them were piled on the couches in the common room, watching Disney movies. Steve had mentioned a remembered fondness for Snow White once, and Pepper had conspired with JARVIS to load the entire backlist of Disney movies onto the Tower's entertainment server. Now they were the go-to movies for when the team needed to decompress.

"Pep, it's fine. Thor says he thinks we'll be back to normal in 24 hours. Well," he amended, glancing at the time on the StarkPad in his lap, "more like twelve now. Or so."

Pepper sighed on the other end of the line. "I just--it's really weird, Tony. And that's saying something. You sound like Steve, but you talk like you, and this morning--"

"--which Steve apologized profusely for, I understand--"

"It was really quite sweet," she agreed, and Tony could hear the smile in her voice. "I've never seen you blush before, even when I've caught you doing--"

"--we agreed not to talk about that, Pepper," he warned. "And don't get used to it. Tony Stark has no shame, and he does not blush."

"Don't I know it," she said wryly. "Now, since you missed a board meeting already this month for Avengers business--"

"--saving the world takes priority--"

"--and obviously won't be able to make the one that's scheduled for this afternoon," she continued, talking over his objections as she always did, "I went ahead and had it rescheduled for next week."

"I'm not even CEO anymore, why do I have to go?"

"Don't be a child, Tony. Your name is still on the company--"

"--for marketing purposes only--"

"--and therefore, you need to be involved. I've limited your meetings with the Board to twice a month--"

"--once is sufficient--"

"--twice a month, and only force you to attend one, so you will attend this one. And be sure to wear something appropriate; and before you say anything, the Iron Man suit is not appropriate."

Tony shut his mouth with a snap that was probably audible over the phone, if Pepper's laughter was anything to go by. "Yes, ma'am," he conceded. "I'm only being this nice about it because I'm in Rogers' body," he said, looking over to where a worried Coulson was talking on his own phone. "There's something about it that's making me feel the need to protect Truth, Justice, and the American way. Hey, Pep, I gotta go. It looks like we're about to get the call to suit up," he said, distracted by Coulson's frown.

"Be careful, Tony," Pepper said.

"Always. I love you."

She huffed out a quiet laugh. "I love you too. Don't do anything Steve wouldn't do."

"That's an awfully long list. I don't know if I can keep that promise." Coulson waved at him, and Tony nodded. "Gotta go," he said, and hung up before Pepper could say anything else.

Steve was already standing, his bearing very Captain America, even if he was wearing Tony's body. "What's going on?"

Coulson pressed his lips in a thin line. "Doombots in Central Park."

"You're kidding," Clint said. "I hate Doombots. Can't Reed and his people handle it?"

"The Fantastic Four are in Chicago. And before you ask," he continued, cutting off Clint's next objection, "the X-Men are also out of town. We're it, people."

"Great," Clint grumbled. "I can't even see to aim, how am I going to be any use?"

"You're going to smash," Steve said. Everyone looked up at him, a little wide-eyed. "Bruce Banner would not be up high with a bow, Clint. We need to maintain our covers until we go back to normal, so you're going to be Hulk, and everyone else will play their parts as well."

Bruce raised a hand. "My archery skills are, well, non-existent."

Steve shrugged. "So get up high and use Clint's eyes. I can pilot the Iron Man suit well enough, and Thor's and Natasha's styles are similar enough that it shouldn't be much of a problem. Mjolnir will have to stay, though," he said, with an apologetic look to Thor.

Thor nodded, Natasha's curls bouncing. "Understood."

"And what about me?" Tony asked. "I'm supposed to put on your star-spangled panties and toss around a giant frisbee?"

Steve's expression was flat, but Tony knew his own face well enough to see the smirk hiding behind his goatee. "Is that going to be a problem? I mean, it's all geometry and physics, and you're a mathematical genius. I should think this would be right up your alley."

Tony narrowed his eyes at the challenge. "It won't be a problem."

"All right then," Steve replied, not taking his eyes off Tony. "Avengers, assemble."

\--

"Well," Tony said, flopping his battered body down onto the couch back at Stark Tower with a wince, "that could have gone better."

Clint snorted. "Ever the master of understatement, Stark," he said, his voice hoarse from roaring. Other than being dirty, exhausted, and mostly naked, the voice was the only real sign Clint had been in the fight; the transformation to and from the Hulk kept him basically injury-free as he'd gleefully smashed his way through the Doombots.

Bruce, too, seemed mostly fine; he'd spent most of the battle on top of a nearby building, using Clint's impressive eyesight to coordinate the rest of the team. It had the secondary effect of keeping him away from the main action, and limiting the chance that the Other Guy, depowered though he might be, would make an unwelcome appearance. Natasha and Steve had only minor lacerations and bruising, since Thor's Asgardian nature and the Iron Man suit were more than enough protection from the relatively small deployment of robots. 

Thor and Tony, on the other hand, looked like shit. One side of Thor's face was already turning purple, and he lowered himself with care onto one of the armchairs gingerly, in deference to the full-body bruises he was sporting under his Medical-issued scrubs. "Lady Natasha, if e'er in the future, any might malign your status as a great warrior," Thor groaned, wincing as the action of speaking pulled at the stitches on his forehead, "I formally request the great privilege of defending your honor, for a warrior as skilled as you should not need concern yourself with those who are lower than _Níðhöggr_."

"Dude, Thor, not a word we use, ever," Clint said, pulling a face. "No matter what you see on MTV."

"Clint, _Níðhöggr_ is the dragon that gnaws at the root of _Yggdrasill_ , the World Tree," Coulson corrected as he hung his jacket over the back of a chair and loosened his tie. "I believe Thor means that anyone who would insult Natasha's prowess on the battlefield is a piece of shit, and he'd be happy to save her the trouble of beating them up."

"Whoa, whoa, language, Agent!" Tony said, then stifled a yelp of pain. Medical had diagnosed him with a pair of cracked ribs and a mild concussion, which Steve promised him would heal before the week was out. Of course, that didn't help Tony _now_ , and neither did the painkillers they'd prescribed.

"It's been a very long day for all of us, Stark," Coulson countered and sat next to Clint, close but not touching, probably out of respect for Bruce, whose body Clint was still inhabiting. Clint, apparently, had no such reservations, since he immediately leaned his head onto Coulson's shoulder and closed his eyes. "I think I'm entitled to swear a little. Especially since I have to write up the report on this debacle when you've all returned to yourselves."

"Be sure to write Thor up for being unable to return my body in the condition in which he found it," Natasha called out from the kitchen, where she was building herself a sandwich worthy of Dagwood Bumstead. "I told you not to attack that Doombot from the front, but you wouldn't listen. I've only been using my body for most of my life, but what do I know?"

"'Twould have been successful if Agent Coulson had allowed me to call Mjolnir," Thor said, sounding petulant.

"And have it all over the papers that Black Widow can wield it?" Coulson shook his head. "Our media department has enough to do after Clint threw those bots into Bethesda fountain. The Mayor is not happy about that."

"Said I was sorry," Clint mumbled sleepily. "Thought water would disable them."

"Too bad they took out the angel statue in their death throes," Tony said. "That thing is a landmark."

"'s fine. Didn't like it anyway. Always afraid it'll come to life and kill me," he replied.

Tony smirked. "You've been watching too much Doctor Who."

"No such thing," Clint shot back, opening one eye and glaring at Tony. "Best show on TV."

"I think the Daleks are far more terrifying," Bruce said. "I mean, the Weeping Angels mostly just send you back in time to live a long, relatively happy life. The Daleks _ex-termi-nate_ ," he said, imitating the robot's intonation.

"The Silence," Natasha said with a theatrical shudder.

Tony rolled his eyes. "I cannot believe a group of superheroes is sitting around discussing the relative merits of villains from a British science fiction show. You people are ridiculous. Besides," he added as he levered himself off the couch and headed toward the bar, "DUM-E could take down a Dalek, and he's a glorified fire extinguisher. The Master is the scariest."

"Uh, Tony?" 

Tony paused and turned, bottle of scotch in one hand, tumbler in the other. "Yes, Steve?" he asked, dripping sarcasm.

"You know you can't get drunk, right?"

Tony arched an eyebrow. "I know it's frowned upon to mix painkillers and booze, but something tells me I'll be fine."

Steve shook his head, smirking. "No, Tony, I mean you _can't get drunk_. Super-serum metabolism, remember?"

"Son of a bitch," he muttered, as Clint snickered. "Laugh it up, Fuzzball. See if you're still laughing tomorrow when you wake up with a Weeping Angel under your pillow."

**Author's Note:**

> There is some debate about the nature of the Hulk--whether the split personality was always a part of Bruce, and the serum let him out, or if the serum split Bruce into two different people. In this story, I took the side of the Hulk has been a part of Bruce since his abusive childhood, and the trauma of the accident simply let him loose. So, the Hulk is still in Bruce's head, while Clint-in-Bruce's-body retained the ability to change form, since that is physical.


End file.
